Corey May speaks to F. Amanda Tugade
Editor’s note: Corey May first told this story onstage at the Des Moines Storytellers Project’s “Travels,” a series of storytelling events in which community members team up with Register journalists to tell true, first-person stories live on stage. An edited version is presented below.
Zoe’s message said: “See you at the Skytrain station.”
So I flew out to Vancouver, BC. …for women.
I met Zoe, we didn’t actually meet, we just swiped right on each other in Vancouver in 2017. We never met while I was there, we just IM’d each other until 2019 when she said “what if we actually did that?”
About this romance: It feels like BET, Hallmark, and the Travel Channel combined and had a baby. Interracial, international, intriguing.
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After all these years, I have to make a great first impression. You never want your myth to be greater than your reality.
I made it through customs and security with no issues. It was October and I was from Iowa so I was packed for any occasion. I found the SkyTrain entrance and there she was!
Zoe is even prettier than her pictures: 5’11, brunette, with pretty features and a captivating smile. We hugged, and the drive home was a blur, like the soft focus of a Martha Stewart TV show, and a giggly one. When we got home, she showed me her apartment.
“I’ll make you something to eat once you’ve unpacked your things.”
I unzip my bag and head out. I frantically look inside my duffel bag. Not there. I check again. I rummage through it again. Jeans, T-shirt, socks, toiletries, sweatshirts, top, shoes. No underwear. I forgot my underwear. So much for making a good impression. My mom always told me to travel with clean underwear. I did, but what about tomorrow?
“Babe, we need to go to town.”
“What for? I have soap and deodorant and all that stuff.”
“Um, I forgot my underwear.”
Laughter.
Zoe then said, “We can walk to town in the morning. For now, let’s get some sleep.”
In the morning I have an important decision to make: reuse, recycle, or go commando.
Reuse? After a long day of travel, crossing two time zones and a border?
Recycle? Turn it inside out…and upside down!
Commando? Hmm… sometimes that gets annoying.
Recycling, right?
“Let’s go!” I’m ready. Zoe takes off like an Olympic power walker. I have to make a good impression, so I keep up with her pace. Three blocks in, my left hip tightens and my right eye starts to water and become less bloodshot. We’re at an intersection and need oxygen. Zoe looks right. I take a breath to the left. She looks left and our eyes meet.
At the bottom of the hill I asked, “Hey, how far are we going?”
“It’s over the hill.”
We made it up three hills. After the third hill, I realized this was the same thing my dad did when he asked me, “Are we there yet?” Finally we were there. It must have been three hours. I checked my watch and it was a little over an hour.
There we found a department store with the promise of future clean underwear. We walked in. A sign hanging from the ceiling read, “Men’s Clothing, 5th Floor.” Within the next 10 seconds, a man dressed in a blue blazer, blue shirt, red tie, khaki slacks, and black loafers took off. We stepped onto the escalator. Great customer service. He kept a discreet three steps away from us.
We’re on the second floor, turn around and take the next escalator to another little landing, then the escalator to the third floor. He’s still there. I know now what this is. It must be different in Canada. He thinks I’m a shoplifter. I whisper this to Zoe.
“Is that really true, Cory?”
The guard is replaced and another anti-theft expert takes over, something Zoe notices.
My inner monologue was: What do they do to a suspected shoplifter in Canada? Will this be on CNN? I didn’t steal anything and my underwear isn’t clean. What do I wear to an international incident?
The higher I go, the more angry I get. I don’t know what to do with this anger. I expect this to happen in America too.
4th floor: “Women’s clothing”. I keep my mouth shut. I’m wearing black leather jacket, jeans, sweater, Nikes. My hands are empty.
Fifth Floor: Angry! Pissed! Once we got to the fifth floor, I turned and yelled into the anti-theft officer’s face, “Can you help me find some men’s underwear?”
He went pale and the blood drained from his face. He went pale with embarrassment, then red. He stammered and stammered and fidgeted as he walked over to the counter where the salesperson was standing. “Can you help this gentleman find some underwear?”
Zoe cuts in and says, “I’ll take it from here.”
Men, if your wife offers to pick out your underwear, let her. She will choose what she likes and you will both be happy.
You pay, make sure the receipt is stapled to your bag, and it’s business as usual.
“Babe, I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. If only I’d packed my underwear this could have been avoided.”
There are certain essentials you can’t forget when traveling, and sometimes that can be a hassle.
About the Storyteller: Corey May is a podcaster, professional storyteller and coach, improvisational comedian, and Iowa native. He lives by the motto, “Live an adventurous life and you’ll never be bored. Tell adventurous stories and you’ll never be bored.” At 57, life is good and the stories just keep getting better.
Becoming a cashier
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