This narrated essay is based on a conversation with Jeannie Assimos, a 52-year-old VP at a fintech company. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I got married for the first time when I was 40. For most of my life, I was convinced that I didn’t want to get married. The idea of being a wife or a mother didn’t appeal to me — I wanted to be independent, and I liked the idea of being a career woman.
Even when I had serious boyfriends in my teens and 20s, I resisted all talk of marriage. I wanted to remain in control of my own life and didn’t believe that was possible with a husband.
My beliefs changed unexpectedly in my mid-30s.
“I got a job as a managing editor at eHarmony and worked there for a decade, overseeing content on all of their sites, including two marriage advice websites.
I became absorbed in the stories of people planning their weddings, wearing beautiful dresses, and throwing the party of a lifetime. It was also the time when all my friends were getting married and having kids. For the first time in my life, I felt jealous.
It seemed like everyone was living a fairytale life. I wondered if I should too. At the time, I had been dating someone for five years and thought marriage might be the next step. In 2012, we decided to get married. He didn’t want to, but I forced myself.
I realized right away that I had made a huge mistake. I didn’t want to get married. It took another four years before I decided to get a divorce. I was unhappy, and he wasn’t the right person for me.
Getting out of a marriage is hard
Leaving a four-year marriage took another two years. It wasn’t easy. My ex-husband didn’t want our relationship to end. I wanted to move on so badly.
My divorce made me realize how much of a business transaction marriage is because I am legally bound to this person. When I wanted to end it, it cost me thousands of dollars in assets and time.
In 2016, after my divorce was finalized, I vowed never to remarry.
I’ve been dating my partner for five years. I don’t want to marry him.
10 months after the divorce was finalized, I started dating again casually. I had no interest in getting serious with anyone. After a few years, I felt empty, and I realized that I wanted a partner and a friend without the ties of marriage.
My current partner and I have been together for five years and are both content with our loving relationship. We share the same feeling that marriage is simply a legal agreement.
He’s been married three times, which doesn’t bother me, and he agrees there’s no reason to bring legal agreements into our relationship.
Marriage doesn’t give me the level of security that it might give someone else.
For some people, marriage brings commitment and security. Others feel that marriage is a psychological thing, where once they sign the legal document, they feel together in every way.
I never saw it that way. I was always very aware of the risk that marriages could end. Even good marriages where people seemed like they were going to be together forever often end. I never believed in the “till death do us part” cliche.
I don’t have to depend on others to support me financially.
I have built my own career for two decades and am now a vice president at a financial technology company. I make six figures a year and live comfortably. While some may see marriage as a way to merge finances and rely on a partner for financial support, I don’t care about that. My partner and I share many things but are not rigid in our approach.
I like to keep my finances separate from my spouse. I like to be in complete control of my own money. The only benefit that marriage has brought to my life is tax benefits. I am taxed 2% more as a single person than I was when I was married.
My partner and I live the same life as a married couple
Even though my partner and I will never get married, we live the same lifestyle as a married couple. We live together, have the same interests, spend most of our time together, and make plans for the future. I hope we can grow old together.
We check each other’s schedules and plans and respect each other’s decisions. We co-parent an adorable miniature pinscher named Jonny Cash, who is basically our son. We just don’t have a legally binding agreement.
I wish more people would think about marriage before getting married.
I don’t regret getting married because the experience taught me to live authentically. It helped me find a partner who was a better fit for me, and we were truly on the same page.
Marrying someone is a rash decision if you are not 100% sure and have not taken enough time to know who you are getting yourself into. Time will reveal everything — good and bad — about people. Be patient when falling in love, and wait to commit until you have seen your partner in all the different seasons of life.
Want to share your story? Email Lauryn Haas at lhaas@businessinsider.com.